Canceling Parents

In these times of polarization, it should be no surprise that it extends to families, even parents and children.  Especially as teenagers and young adults, parents and children can have fractious relationships, but apparently the situation has gotten worse.

An article on the BBC website recently cited the case of a man in his 30s who ended his relationship with his parents because he discovered they espoused white supremacy. He belongs to a support group of other young adults who find their parents’ political views abhorrent.

The article also cited a psychologist, author of a book about parent-child estrangement, who views this as a new phenomenon, a result of people “pursuing happiness and personal growth, and less on emphasizing duty, obligation or responsibility.”

It was a surprising twist to my own coming of age, when a whole generation of Baby Boomers alienated our parents with our political and cultural views. They didn’t understand our opposition to the Vietnam War or our support of black and women’s rights. They were upset at our street protests, the flag being burned, men’s long hair and our embrace of drugs and “free” sex.

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Here’s My Opinion, Like It or Not

In my father’s old age, he became fixated on the idea that the world would be a better place if everyone drove under 55 mph. He had read someplace that, above that speed, cars weren’t as efficient and wasted gas. Whenever he started railing against fast driving, my siblings and I rolled our eyes: There goes dad again.

He was full of opinions about what was wrong with the world and how to fix it, often embarrassing his children and wife. He made a habit of telling restaurant owners the music was too loud, which made his children cringe. Funnily enough, I now find myself complaining  about the same thing, as friends and I try to talk over the cacophony. 

I guess it’s inevitable that most of us turn into our parents as we get older, very certain about what’s wrong with the world and how to fix it. I realized I’m becoming one of those opinionated old people who writes letters to the editor; goes up to cars sitting in parking lots with their engines running and lectures the driver about befouling the air; reminds people that dogs aren’t allowed on this trail; and lectures total strangers on why they should not pick flowers in a public park.

Perhaps one of the advantages of old age is that we’re not threatening; the two women picking the flowers weren’t likely to slug me or even yell at me; more likely, they went back to their cars and laughed about the crazy old lady sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong.

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Creating Family

I’ve been thinking a lot about community, maybe because it seems to be fraying across the country, and maybe because this is the time of year when we most want to be with family, whether it’s our biological tribe or one we created.

I grew up in a large family, so a holiday celebration like Thanksgiving consisted of my parents, my six siblings and my grandparents sitting around a large table laden with food. I know there  are families who still get together like that, but most of my friends have created alternatives. If you never had children or your only son lives too far to get home for the holidays, then invite all your friends over—and maybe the next-door neighbors who don’t have any close relatives.

As older people, we share several challenges in creating community. Most of us are retired, so we’ve lost our comrades in labor. As a journalist, I worked with groups of people with shared ideals. That sharing didn’t end after we made our deadlines; often we would go out for drinks after we put the newspaper to bed for the night. But once I retired, that community was gone, although I’ve been lucky to maintain several of those friendships.

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