Regrets After a Friend’s Death

A friend of mine died recently, and the praise heaped on her after her death was inspiring. Friends posted on Facebook and her memorial page their memories of her: smart, funny, loving and brave, with a smile that would light up the room; someone who listened and uplifted others; a woman who made the world a better place.

I doubt Karen knew how much she meant to people. That’s the problem with obituaries and funerals: they come too late for the person who died. Her memorial service was beautiful, with people from all parts of her life praising her—siblings who remembered her as the loving, older sister; co-workers who regarded Karen as a mentor and role model; friends who fondly recalled trips, game nights and campfires together. Was Karen listening from the other side, amazed and appreciative at what she was hearing?

Karen had been suffering from an incurable disease for a long time, yet she faced her challenges with a smile, never lost her curiosity about life or gave in to self-pity. Even while suffering herself, she made a point of comforting others. She inspired me with her courage to never give up, to keep enjoying life as much as she could. In fact, a day or so before she died, she was trying to install a new printer so she could write friends and let them know how she felt about them.

I wish I had followed her lead. Realizing she only had a few months or even a few weeks left, I was determined to let her know how much I cherished our time together. I hoped to see her one last time, but, if her illness prevented that, I wanted to write it down in a letter. Unfortunately, I waited too long, and she died before I got a chance.

We all have regrets after someone who is beloved to us dies. A friend of mine told me he suffers from not telling his college professor how much his mentoring meant to him. His professor helped him get a scholarship, encouraged him in his studies and very likely changed the course of his life for the better. Although I helped my friend search the Internet to see if his professor was still alive, we never found him, and he’s most likely passed on. 

I wish I had been more patient and understanding with my mother in the last years of her life when she was suffering from dementia. Looking back, I can see that her outbursts came out of frustration at losing her memory. All I can do now is be more understanding with friends and acquaintances who are suffering from memory loss.

Regrets are useless, I’ve been told, so instead I’ve made a promise to myself to let people in my life know what they mean to me—before it’s too late. 

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Take This Teacup—Please

I’m not here to offer advice about decluttering, like “if you haven’t worn that shirt in more than a year, get rid of it.” I’m here to admit that my clutter is a result of avoiding making decisions for decades about what to keep and what to get rid of. It’s been easy because I’ve been in the same house for 30 years, a house big enough to stuff my belongings in the back of a closet or a room in the basement and forget about it. I’m paying for it now.

In going through old folders (that is, paper folders), I’m finding paycheck receipts for jobs I had 20 years ago and coupons that expired more than two years ago. Those are the easy things to get rid of because I can toss the papers in my recycling bin. It’s harder when I want to be socially responsible and not add to ever-growing landfills: clothes that maybe someone else can wear (even if they are 20 years out of fashion), winter boots that the homeless could use, or books that someone else might want to read.

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Voting Old

In the analyses of the recent election, many commentators noted that young voters helped Democrats win, especially in close races. It shouldn’t be surprising because research has shown that younger adults tend to be more liberal and vote Democratic while older folks are more conservative and vote Republican.

Yet it’s hard to grasp because I had assumed that my generation of baby boomers would carry our liberal politics into old age. We were the generation that opposed the Vietnam War, supported civil and women’s rights and started the first Earth Day celebrations.

In my (adopted) hometown, I remember in my 20s seeing that tidal wave of change. A city council that consisted of white men was replaced with two women, an environmentalist, a black man and a gay man. At the time it seemed revolutionary. Yet somehow those young voters who threw the old white guys out are now getting more conservative. How does this happen?

Research shows that as we age, we process information slower. I was shocked to read that our mental capabilities peak in our 20s and head downhill since then. However, even though we might not be as smart as our younger selves or the younger generation, I was glad to read that we compensate with wisdom accumulated over decades.

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